So… first 4 hours into my 22nd year and been going through some horrible headache and insomnia.
Therapy run/walk for fresh air and sunshine
Therapy music
Therapy favourite tv shows
Therapy arts and crafts with crocheting
&
Therapy baking.
Sums up my day. And repeat.
I just feel like I am going to explode any minute from all the overwhelming thinking and worrying. I wished I have put more thought into the back up back up plan, now it just feels stupid to leave it till now. I wished I didn’t expect too highly of myself, but is it wrong to think that you’re worthy or qualified somewhat to be accepted?
This is just all too overwhelming right at this moment.
The fear has finally face reality but at the same time I guess there is still some hope left. Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Yes, I did say that and in retrospect, it is true for me. Hope. It had kept me believing, kept me from giving up, to continue breathe and live on and to have some faith.
But today, part of the fear has won its battle against hope. I went from hopeful to feeling hopeless even though it’s just a rejection from one nursing school so far. But rejections after rejections is something no one wants to hear. I was happy to hear acceptance for cardiovascular technology or respiratory therapy, but it’s something I don’t want to do. To hear rejections from the things you want in life, it takes a bit of a stab at your hear, making you face fear only.
I know life still continues and it’s not the end of the world, and that eventually, who knows when, we’ll eventually figure things out. But this fear of not knowing what is ahead, where to go next since I have finished this chapter of life, it scares me, it upsets me, it questions my life, skills, knowledge.
They say it’s not always about marks in school. It is true that life, education, our career is more than just about marks, but also about the skills, the social intelligence, our own self-knowledge, etc. but sometimes it just does come down to marks. So now I wonder where does the Average Joe goes?
In a world of competition with everything we do, want, need, strive for, it’s a competition out there for meeting our survival, needs, goals and dreams. We work hard for the things we want, putting our hearts, soul, sweat and tears out there. Some of us outshines others and deserve the best, others, happens to be unlucky, I guess, ends up being average. But with these competitions, where there isn’t many spots for us to be all winners, what happens then? An average Joe like me, where do I go now?
The things with these competitions also is that there are requirements, a minimum qualification in order to be considered for the first step. But the truth is that meeting the minimum or pass it won’t cut for it. The chances to make it is slim if you’re the Average Joe, because it is basically a dog-eat-dog world out there or as a science student would like to call it, survival of the fittest. Only the top grade, the most achieved ones will get it even if the average ones are possible of survival. But only the top grades will get it because spaces are limited everywhere.
So I question myself today, where does the average Joe goes in a world of dog-eat-dog?
It’s a question I don’t have answer to. It’s a question that scares me. The old and wise have taught me great things and lessons about life, yes it’s reassuring for the years ahead, but for now, I am terrified and upset. I know crying isn’t going to help. Sitting there and depressed isn’t going to help, but it takes some times to push myself up again as it has been for the past couple of years.
Being an Average Joe just sucks. It hurts to know that I have given all my best to be only in the middle.
I thought there was a chance. I really did not expect this. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Well this looks like the latest I have stayed up since my summer started. For the past 6 hours? I am thankful for Grey’s Anatomy for keeping me company and making me laugh here and there.
